Focus

Well, this week has been a nightmare. First, we lost water in the house for almost 24 hours. Got turned on 20 min prior to family coming to visit for the first time. Then there was a fire that got within a few feet of the house. It was all over Facebook but no one saw the need to call us. Then a stress filled visit from family that actually turned out better than we thought. Then a death where neither of us could be at the funeral due to work. And added on top was work itself. With summer coming on, as usual, the work load increases, but SERIOUSLY people!!!!!!  I have found myself becoming very task oriented lately, which means that my kitten has had to suffer. I don’t do it intentionally. It’s just how I deal when A LOT of stress enters my life. I pick the highest priority and focus on it until it gets resolved then I move on to the next. This doesn’t sound all that bad until you realize that by doing this, I put almost everything to the side. I don’t pay attention to my kitten, I don’t pay attention to protocols, I don’t pay attention to how I address people, hell I often don’t even bother to eat!!!!!  All I do is focus on the task at hand. While this is very effective at clearing up the pressing issues, it often  causes even bigger issues. In this lifestyle, communication is key. When I don’t even pay attention to eating, communicating goes out the window. This leads to misunderstandings which leads to hurt feelings, which leads to arguments, which leads to more hurt feelings, and back in the circle I go. I can almost hear the circus music playing in the back ground…… Dee dee  deetle dee dee de de. FML let me off this fucking merry go round from hell!!!!!!  

But now the week is over. We survived.  My kitten and I are still in the middle of some stress, but it’s not as much as before. I feel like shit because I can’t be there for my little one and because she can’t be there for the ones that she loves during their time of grief. But at the end of the day, we both have to realize, that to try and be there would have put her in a position where we would either be in the hospital or preparing for another funeral. We may not like it, but we do have to deal with it. As for me, I came to the realization that there is even MORE for me to work on to become the man my little one deserves. I know that there is a metric fuck ton of things I need to work on (and yes, that is a valid form of measurement). But I want her to be as proud of me as I am of her. I had a conversation with a co-worker tonight about some things that my little one has accomplished in a very short time. He said “The fact that she can quickly see these tiny changes is amazing. She sees the world in a way that not many can.”  I didn’t realize how far she has come until talking about it tonight. Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW how amazing she is, but to have a complete outsider notice and comment on it shows just how far she has come. It gave me a warm fuzzy because now people are starting to take notice. Now they just need to tell her instead of me and things will REALLY start picking up. 

But at the end of the day, I’m so very very proud of her and all that she has accomplished. I just need to stop slacking and start fixing some of my own shit….,, 

 

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Responsibility

Responsibility, it’s something that all of us have. Whether it is to another person to accomplish a task or to ourselves to live a certain way, it is something that is understood in society. But what happens when reaponsibilities start to wear you thin? They haven’t stretched you to the breaking point, but they are overlapping. What do you do?  How do you react to not fully taking care of each of your responsibilities?  I know that in the past, I would pick the most important one to me and focus completely on it. All of the rest would fall by the wayside. But now, I’m doing better at trying to balance them out. As an example, I have multiple responsibilities at work that are starting to wear on me. I’m responsible for building a class that I will certify and then teach to multiple people throughout the profession that my kitten and I are in. The initialt building of this class has already cost me time with my kitten. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited for the opportunity, but I made a promise to myself and my kitten that I would leave work at work. I also have a responsibility to my kitten that I will care for her and protect her. Lately, it has been pointed out that I have let her down in this area. I told her that I would do certIn things for her and I haven’t been doing them. This causes me to start to slip down a hole that I don’t want to fall into. One that could, if I fall deep enough into, destroy what we have worked so hard to build. So now I have to buckle down and focus on finding that knife edge balance between my responsibilities. Failure is not an option. I know that the stress of finding this balance is and has already stirred up some old demons and sleep has been little because of it but I will sacrifice some sleep to make sure that I’m taking care of my little one. As long as her needs are met, that’s theost important thing for me. I know some are going to say that I need to make sure that I am well rested, otherwise I’m not going to be able to care for her. And for most, that would be the case. But for me, that’s not necessarily true. I have been in situations where sleep isn’t an option. Where there is either very little or none at all. And in those situations I have thrived. So I will get this figured out and try to control my demons as they take my fears and throw them in my face. My nightmares will just have to be turned into fuel to provide my little one what she needs. It’s time to step up.  

 

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Communication

Our world revolves around communication. It’s a rather simple concept but one that we often screw up. Whether it is by verbal or nonverbal, often the message gets taken “the wrong way”. I put that in quotes because who determines what the “right way” is?  Is it the person sending the message or is it the one receiving it?  In our lifestyle, communication is paramount. We MUST communicate our wants and desires clearly but, more importantly, we ABSOLUTELY MUST communicate our limits. This is something that many newbies find out almost too late. Simple questions and answers along with clarification are what is needed. If you are asked if you want/don’t want something, be clear. Own your answer. Because if you don’t, at the very least you will make your partner feel like shit. At the worst, your safety might be compromised. Communication, as anyone who has lived thru their teenage years can tell you, is not an easy thing. It is something to be worked on every single day. Like anything else, mistakes will happen. Learn from them and move on. As my little one knows, I make multiple mistakes a day. But she also knows that I work very hard to correct those mistakes because she is worth every last ounce of my effort. I want her to be happy and part of that includes me making fewer (or at least different) mistakes today than I did yesterday.  

 

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Brotherhood

Tonight I was in the middle of the darker side of my chosen profession. A brother has fallen. I wasn’t there when he fell, but I was there for his brothers in the immediate aftermath. It was humbling and EXTREMELY sobering. I have been on their end of things and it is pure hell.

At first you feel like you’re floating. Nothing seems real. You don’t feel anything. You don’t feel the bumps, bruises, or even broken bones. You don’t feel the heat or the cold. You’re just……..there. Then the adrenaline begins to wear off and you start feeling all the physical pain. The exhaustion, sprains, strains, bruises, and tweaks that happened in the middle of the most terrifying time of your life. 

That’s when the real nightmare begins. It finally sinks in that one of your brothers is no longer with you. He won’t be at your back the next time you go they a door. He won’t be there cracking jokes and laughing with you after a really intense situation. He won’t hug his wife or kiss his children anymore.  Sure, a part of you knows that he’s always there, watching over you. But that doesn’t take away the gut wrenching pain of loss. That doesn’t stop the second guessing. The “I should’ve went left instead of right”, “I shouldn’t have gone here, I should’ve gone there” thoughts that begin clouding your mind. 

Being in the middle of it sucks. Being on the outside, watching it happen. Reading the thoughts on their faces, knowing what is coming next, is just as bad. I have my own demons that love to come out and play at the wrong time. They were having a field day tonight. I was able to keep them under control by focusing on taking care of these guys. I have never met a single one of them, but they are my brothers.

I looked at the situation thru the lense of experience. I looked at what they needed. From a change of clothes to a quiet place away from all the distractions and made it happen. Two of us got the sizes they needed and went to the store to get them new clothes. We then stood by them while they changed, letting them know that we had their back while they were vulnerable. I was a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. But above all, I tried to be there to offer the quiet support that they needed. To let them relax and deal with what they needed to. I became the shield they could rest and recover behind. I don’t know if I succeeded or not but I tried. I stood next to my brothers in their time of need. Just like I know they would do for me. 

Now I’m off to fight my demons back into their cage. And tomorrow……tomorrow, I’ll suit back up and go do work.  

 

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Shenanigans and fun

Yesterday was St. Patrick’s day. A day of fun and drink. A day that I haven’t enjoyed in YEARS!!!!  But, yesterday was different. My little one and I have spent the last three days together just being us. We worked around the house, we went out and had fun, then came home and made a wonderful dinner together on Sunday and Monday nights. It was VERY relaxing. 

Then, there was last night…….WOW is all I can say!!!!!  During our days off, we had a really intense scene that left both of us floating well into the next day. Yesterday was a little different. We laid around naked for most of the day and played with each other in between naps. We laughed and joked like we used to. It was WONDERFUL!!!! Then, as evening came around, we decided that we were going to go out for some fun. We didn’t go to any of the local st paddy’s day events because neither of us are comfortable in large crowds. Instead, we went to a sports bar and had a few drinks with dinner. We then went and bought some hard alcohol so that my little one could play bartender for herself (I started with beer and stuck to it to prevent a massive hangover).  We came home and sat on the back porch smoking cigars. All of this doesn’t seem that special, right?  Then we came inside…..

We had music playing as we were smoking and talking.  When we came inside, the music continued and the song “Stranglehold” came on. My little one began talking about stripping to this song. I guess the look in my eyes convinced her to go for it. She put it on loop, moved a chair into the living room, had me sit in it with my beer, then went to change…..What happened next, I’m STILL processing!  Now, yes I’m military, yes I have travelled extensively, but I have NEVER set foot in a strip club unless it was for work. She put on a show for me that blew my mind!!!!!  She has marks, I have marks, and both of us are sore.  You can imagine the fun that was had. 

Now we both return to the real world and work. I know for me, it’s going to take a few days to fully recover from our fun.  But it was DEFINITELY worth it. 

P.S.- I’ll never be able to listen to “Stranglehold” again without having certain images come to mind…….



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Incompetence

One thing I hate more than anything is incompetence in a leader. If you can’t do the fucking job, get out of the way and let those that know what they are doing work!!!!!  There is a supervisor where I work that is showing me more and more that he doesn’t have a fucking clue!!!!!  He belittles his subordinates in front of other, significantly more junior, subordinates. He contradicts himself almost daily and then gets mad when it is pointed out.  He flys off the handle about the smallest things, then when he is called on it, changes his story to “I’m just joking, I wasn’t serious”. It’s REALLY starting to get on my nerves. 

And the icing on the cake?  I’m pretty sure he is romantically involved with one of his direct subordinates. This is a HUGE issue for me. He considers himself a professional but instead of doing the right thing and either calling it off or moving to another shift, he’s starting to play favorites with her!! Now for what I consider the coup de grace, he’s a former Non Comissioned Officer in the military. For those that don’t know, NCO’s as they are referred to, are the backbone of any military. They carry the most responsibility with the least level of authority. But, if they are good, it’s a sight to see. They can motivate troops to do AMAZING things!!!!  The good ones have my complete respect, the bad ones have my complete contempt. I hold them to a higher standard because that’s what they hold themselves to. They know that a bad NCO can and has ruined an untold number of troops. 

This fucking ass clown falls into the bad category. He shows up in his little clown car, jumps out yelling and screaming, firing his stupid little ass rockets all over, making my job ten times harder, all while thinking he his God’s gift to fucking geniuses!!!!!  Little does he know, he has now pissed off the wrong person. I have played this game longer, harder, and with more talented ass clowns than this fucking idiot. He is about to learn what it’s like to have a complete asshole working for him. One that documents EVERYTHING and will wait until he willingly lays in his coffin, the lid is set, and all the nails are in place. Then, suddenly, he’ll find himself in the biggest shit storm of his life. One that he can’t escape, no matter how hard he tries.

The only thing worse that he could do is go after my little one. I don’t think even HE is that stupid. 

I just added another ring to your circus, ass clown. Start fucking dancing……



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Conflict and miscommunication 

It seems that Life has decided to test us again. After 2 wonderful days, waking up in a good mood after a magical night, my divorce becomes front and center. For those that may not know, I am going thru a divorce that has drug on for nearly a year. It has caused my little one and I NUMEROUS fights and arguments. To the point that we are yelling and screaming and often end up saying things that cause a great deal of hurt. This started to happen today. 

I received a text message from her on Monday asking if we were any closer to settling. Then I received an email from my lawyer detailing her latest offer today. Needless to say, it was a joke. I replied to her text that I had received the offer and that we were not any closer to settling. This sparked a short conversation in which I thought (incorrectly) that I was being professional and distant. I noticed that my little one was upset and asked what was wrong.  The resulting conversation opened my eyes a little more to some character traits that I’m not happy with. 

My little one pointed out that I had crossed the line from being professional, which is what I was going for, to almost personal, which I was trying to avoid. I started to argue the point, but then I looked at it from her point of view. And when I did that, i realized how I was making my kitten feel. Both of us have a past that has caused problems between us. Things that we have done that, unfortunately, will be a CONSTANT work in progress. Things that both of us acknowledge has happened and both try to reassure the other that they will not happen again. When I looked at what I said from her point of view, I could see how I stirred up her demons and doubts. How I was basically saying one thing and doing another, which is something that I have vowed to change. 

Now, normally in this situation, things will quickly spiral out of control and we will end up in another gut wrenching argument. But this time, I’m going to change how I react to it. Rather than bow my head and say/do anything to make my little one happy, I’m going to look at this VERY critically and figure out EXACTLY what I need to do to change. I need to be the one to figure this out and I need to be the one to fix this. I can no longer shut down like I used to and try to half step my way thu this. I have to take ownership of my actions and MAKE a change. My little one deserves nothing less. I know that I say I will do these things and have said that many times, but now is when I have to put my money where my mouth is and actually DO it. I have to make the change to who I want to be and maybe, just maybe, move a little closer to being the man my little one deserves.

She is my life. She has pulled me from the depths of my own personal hell. It is time I showed her that I am worth the effort. 



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